I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read real fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your mom read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we decided to move 30 miles down the road. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure about it, though. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the ain. We haven’t seen ‘em since. The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off — you’ ll find ‘em in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your momma out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet, so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back and drowned — they couldn’t get the tailgate down. There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Uncle,

Dad

It was the usual scene in the City’s Night Court. Police had rounded up a collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge.
Three hookers, all arrested on the same corner, stood before him.
He asked the first what she had to say for herself.
The young woman was irate, “I have no idea what this is all about, your Honor. I am a college student doing research for a term paper.”
Sighing, the Judge said, “Young lady, I would have thought you’d done enough ‘research’ by now. My computer indicates you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine.”
He then turned to the second woman and asked that she testify.
She began to cry and said, “Judge, I am only a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I don’t understand why I was arrested.”
The Judge shook his head and said, “Well, the officer tells me that he observed you handing a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your ‘husband’ who was sitting in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine.”
The Judge then turned to the third woman and asked her occupation.
“I’m a hooker,” she calmly replied.
Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said,
“So, how’s business?”
“It’s terrible, Judge,” she replied. “With all these housewives and students around, competition is very tough!”

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night..
“Yes sir,” the boy replied.
“And, do you always say them in the morning, too?” the pastor asked.
“No sir,” the boy replied. “I ain’t scared in the daytime.”

Two widowed senior citizens ladies were discussing their sex lives and the first lady said that she had not had any since her husband had died 5 years ago.
The second lady said she gets all the free young sex she wants.
Well this got the first ladies attention right now and she wanted to know how she managed that.
The second lady told her that when she went to buy groceries that she parked as far from the entrance of the store as possible and as the young carry out boy carried her groceries to her car that she just let him know in a very subtle way that she was available.
Well the first lady was very hesitant about doing that. But one day she was feeling very horny and decided, what the heck, she was going to give it a try.
She went to the grocery store and parked as far from the entrance as possible and bought a BIG bunch of groceries, a lot of things she didn’t even need!
As the young carry out boy was carrying her groceries to the car she kind of rubbed up against him and whispered in a very nervous, low, loving and tender voice that she has an itchy pussy.
He turns to her and said, “Lady, all of these foreign cars look alike to me. You’re just going to have to point it out.”

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, “Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!”

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Are not you paying attention to me?”

“Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they had show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!”

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.
‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied, ‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’
She looked down at his shoes and said: ‘You lying b****rd! You’ve been playing golf!’

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
“To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be upset - I shall be home before midnight.”
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
“My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:
“18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.”
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.”

Why was the boy unhappy to win the prize for the best costume at the Halloween party ?
Because he just came to pick up his little sister !

A frenzied mother was busy trying to prepare dinner for her family and guests when in her haste she accidentally spilled a jar of spice all over herself.

Her daughter chose that moment to wander into the kitchen and say casually, “Hey, mom, I need someone to talk to.”

The mother replied, “Why would you possibly choose right NOW to try to talk to me?”

To which the daughter responded, “Well, it looked like you had some thyme on your hands.”