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Short funny jokes-Popcorn with fingers
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately…
Animal jokes-Big bad wolf
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big, bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
“My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.”
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
“My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.”
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
“My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.”
With that the wolf jumps up and screams,
“Will you knock it off, I’m trying to shit!”
“My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.”
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
“My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.”
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
“My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.”
With that the wolf jumps up and screams,
“Will you knock it off, I’m trying to shit!”
Adult jokes-Nashagai ana
An American businessman is in Japan. The Japanese businessmen take him out, get him drunk, and send him upstairs with a hooker.
As he’s screwing her, she starts screaming, “Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!”
He’s going, “Yeah, baby, take it all…” He keeps pumping, and she keeps screaming, “Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!”
The next day he’s playing golf with one of the Japanese guys, and he slices the ball, and it goes way off to the right.
The Japanese businessman says, “Nashagai ana.”
The American asks, “What does that mean?”
The Japanese replies, “Wrong hole.”
Really funny jokes-Fluctuations
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with 19 Dollars. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and but was handed only 18 Dollars.
He asked the teller why he got less money than he got last week. The teller said, “Fluctuations.”
The Asian man stormed out, but just before slamming the door, he turned around and said, “Fluc you Amelicans too!”
Funny halloween jokes-Least popular candles
10 Least Popular Halloween Candies
10. Bit-O-Squirrel
9. Poisonettes
8. Good n’ Sweaty
7. Middlefinger
6. Della Reese’s Pieces
5. Clam Duds
4. Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg
3. Gummy Marrow
2. Ken Starrburst
1. Osmond Joy
Teacher jokes-Seventeenth Chapter
A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.
“Next Sunday,” she said, “we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark.”
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, “Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room.”
About half the class rose and came forward.
“The rest of you may leave,” said the teacher, “these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark.”
Adult jokes-Twice a day
This guy goes into a doctors and says, “Doctor, doctor you’ve gotta help me. I just can’t stop having sex!”
“Well how often do you have it?” the doctor asks.
“Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day,” he answers back.
“That’s not so much,” says the doctor. “Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day,” replies the man.
“Well that is probably a bit excessive,” says the doctor. “Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day,” says the man.
“Well, that’s definitely too much,” says the doctor. “You’ve got to learn to take yourself in hand.” “I do,” says the man. “Twice a day!”
“Well how often do you have it?” the doctor asks.
“Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day,” he answers back.
“That’s not so much,” says the doctor. “Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day,” replies the man.
“Well that is probably a bit excessive,” says the doctor. “Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day,” says the man.
“Well, that’s definitely too much,” says the doctor. “You’ve got to learn to take yourself in hand.” “I do,” says the man. “Twice a day!”
Really funny jokes-Best flag
A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we’re the best, ‘cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it’s *** with your flag!
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we’re the best, ‘cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it’s *** with your flag!
Short humor jokes-Here are some nice Dilbert’s one liners:
Here are some nice Dilbert’s one liners:
1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Try & try, if you don’t succeed, then CHEAT
4. Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you’re in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It’s not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer… what I can’t stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O’clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
21. It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino’s Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success…. Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening, engaged or married to someone else!
Really funny jokes-Passionate in public
A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. They decided to pull over and park and have some fun. Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself. “Didn’t you know that you are not supposed to be having sex in public?” he asked the couple. Being embarrassed by being caught, they said yes and apologized. “Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket.” So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior. After getting dressed, the girl asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. He responded, “Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!”
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